Therein lies the problem.

With an add-on

The last few days have been especially hard. My mom's been in and out of the hospital, my brother's thousands of miles away (in the Philippines), and my father and I are still at a stalemate. On Tuesday night, a man followed me home from work, and what followed was a sea of emotions: pride and empowerment from having handled the situation well, confusion and befuddlement from having two parts of my world clash. On the one hand he was fulfilling a desire that was somewhat assisted from the part I play at work; on the other hand, this is real life motherfucker.

What followed the unsettling feeling was a decision: Call Rob; he'll make me feel better. But even though we'd agreed that he'd be glued to his phone while I'm coming home from work; even though I called him, frantic, a dozen times; even though I texted him and called his house and even called from a payphone (I'm not sure why that seemed like a relevant idea), I was left hanging. The one person that I depend on to be there for me was not there for me. Because he was asleep.

Believe me when I say that I am patient with Rob. I give him the benefit of the doubt. Hell, I even lie to myself about him. All this just so that we have a shot in hell of working out. But when he doesn't provide for us financially and he doesn't help out emotionally and he can't even pick up a fucking phone when I'm being stalked from work - then what the fuck do I need him for?

We haven't had sex in more than a week, which is a huge deal for us. We argue all the time, which isn't necessarily a new development. What is a new development is the feeling of loneliness that's permeated my side of the relationship. I no longer feel like I am part of a couple. I no longer trust that Rob will pull through for me in any capacity. I have lost faith in us, ergo there is no Us.

And maybe that's why I am no longer comfortable in Rob's mom's house. Between the many times that I've screamed ridiculously loud at Rob and the fights that we've had; between the lack of boundaries within the house and the constant pressure to socialize; between the notion that I need a feeling of family and the magnification of a lack thereof within this house - I don't like it here. I want to leave as soon as possible.

But there's a problem: my lack of money and my lack of decision. There is a small nagging part of me that wants to jump ship. It is the part of me that says, "I know you're domming and consulting and you've started a blog with your two friends - but face it, dearie, you ain't no pauper. You gotta have dough and you don't want it to hinge on your punani. You're not happy with things the way they are."

And, yeah: that voice is right.

As much as I appreciate all that Mei's done for me, and I truly respect and admire sex workers who make the profession work for them - I can't depend on a paycheck that's built on my ability to be feminine. Not in the body-woman kind of way, and not in a slutty-for-show kind of way. And the reason for this isn't only that my feelings of femininity are flimsy - it's also because the pay is flimsy, too.

I can't depend on a regular, steady paycheck, and that makes my line of work seem more like a gig than a career. Yeah, I said it: I wouldn't mind making a career out of being a dominatrix. But a career implies that the pay is steady and the hours set. This is not so, and therefore I have to search elsewhere.

Had I known that things would be this hard on my own? Absolutely! I even fetishized the difficulty in being independent. But now that the new car smell has worn away, and I am less than a week away till my birthday, I'm feeling torn. That part of me who relished doing things the hard way, who bore the brunt of everything with a smile, who knew that every obstacle only made her stronger - she's tired of being strong and noble. She wants to take the easy way out. And, honestly, I can't blame her.

I think to myself: what is the best case scenario [short of finding a suitcase full of cash under my bed]? And I think to myself, I need a short-term solution that will manifest itself into a long-term solution. I need to land a job that pays really well, and I need to do it right now.

But jobs like that aren't exactly everywhere, and most of them are professions I wouldn't touch with a ten-foot pole. Moreover, the ones that seem like a good idea inevitably turn into short-term prospects with no chance of becoming a long-term career.

Enter my mom, who has reserved a ticket to the Philippines. I'm considering going back to the original plan: going overseas, teaching English, and getting a nursing degree. I'm thinking about parlaying that nursing degree into a house and a physician's assistance degree when I get back to the States in 3 years. I'm daydreaming about tropical weather and my own house where I'll set boundaries and be able to afford the good life. I'm telling myself that I can still blog with the girls and write incessantly and send out my work to agents - but now I'll be emotionally and financially comfortable.

I have only a week to decide.

Add-on: I went in to see Mei and she corrected me. "You don't need to make a boatload of cash right now," she said with a glint in her eye. "You want to make that money. There's supposed to be a disconnect between what you want and what you need, and not having it isn't healthy."

I explained to her that bridging the disconnect is exactly why I get everything I want. I don't just focus on the things that are necessary; I attempt to accomplish the impossible. I don't limit my options and say, "I can have this or that." Instead, I say to myself, "What can I do to ensure that I have this and that?"

"But that's not healthy," Mei kept saying. "You have to make a decision. What do you need more?"

"If I can have both, why do I need to make a decision?"

"Because you can't have both."

"Why not?"

"Because it's not possible."

"But what if it is possible?"

"It's not."

And that, right there, is why I'm still considering going to the Philippines. I want to be able to make money and be creative, and I feel like this option will give me both.

The truth is, I don't do "poor" well, and at this point in the game, I don't want to do it if I don't need to do it. So why the fuck not go to the Philippines?

Sure, it's unconventional and will leave Mei disappointed - but I have more responsibility to myself than I have to her. And, sure, I'll miss New York City and all of my friends and family - but in this day and age, they're only as far as a computer or a phone. I've come to a conclusion about who I am and what I need, and it doesn't necessarily mesh with what others think of me and what others think I need - and that's okay. Part of growing up is facing truths that are uncomfortable, and dealing with them.