The "uncomfortable" is what makes you learn.

I hate it when people ask me if I'm done with school. I know what they're really asking is if I've graduated from undergrad, and that question bugs me out - but not as much as the first. For the most part, it's just another form of judgment; it's like asking how much money I make or how old I was when I lost my virginity. I mean, what exactly do you gain by knowing this about me, ya know? This particular judgment is about how far along I should be by this point in my life, as if life were a road demarcated by the holy trinity of accepted expectations: college graduation, marriage, kids.

What kind of soul-illuminating evidence do you really expect to find by attempting to pigeon-hole me? Am I just another puzzle you wanna put together? Do you really think I'm so simple that I can be defined by something so inane?

The other part that bugs me out about asking me "Are you done with school?" is my answer. No, asswipe, I'm not done with it, and I'll never be done with it. I mean that quite literally. You might as well have feces and herpes all over you because you are making me all sorts of ucomfortable by asking me that question. I haven't finished undergrad yet, and I'm never going to finish "my schooling." I'm going to be in school for as long as I possibly can.

I want to get several undergrad degrees, master's degrees, maybe a PhD or two and a law degree, before I'm dead and buried. I'm not after the pomp and hype surrounding each decorated piece of paper: I probably won't even mention any of these accomplishments in daily conversation. I enjoy the rigid and familiar structure of classroom stereotyes and situations, and I realize that it's within this forum that I come into contact with all of the academic parts of the world (and myself) that I otherwise would shy away from. I have a real and distinct need to learn as much as I can, and the academic world is the only place where I can live off of that facet of myself. There are various opportunities - monetary gains, job connections, etc. - to be gained by indulging my desire to absorb information, so why the hell shouldn't I?

The process by which I become an expert on something - philosophy, psychology, politics, Romantic poets, et al. - begins when I sit before a supposed expert in the field. I trust the knowledge spouted out in front of me, and I can depend on its source because s/he is getting paid to espouse information. I deal with the clashing of differing views, change my own perspective, alter my ideas, and become better informed. It's uncomfortable in its rudimentary ideals, and that's what makes me love it so much.

Academics is more cut-and-dry and black-and-white than practically anything else I can think of; there is no secret magic formula to exceling at it. That static, fixed constant of give-and-take, digest-and-articulate, intelligence-transforming-everlasting, is what I'm looking for. I need it to feel grounded.

In the past week, I've assisted one of my students in coming out to her parents; I've dealt with gang relations; I've reconnected with my best guy friend; I've found a portal into pre-Giuliani NY; I've written more than I have in the past six months; I've celebated the birthday of an amazing woman; I've read pieces that have made me cry, laugh, cheer, and exalt in their greatness; I've gotten several steps closer to understanding how/why I must interact with my parents; I've vigorously exercised my body; I've mourned the loss of relationships past; I've had a picnic in Central Park; I've confused and enlightened many people; I've driven to NJ with people I used to feel ambivalent towards, and drove back really loving them; I've learned where I can get an exclusive shampoo and where I can find an elusive dance studio; I've found my niche within my extended family; I've earned money by being myself and doing things I love to do; I've eaten so much delicious food in one day that I felt like I'd explode; I've loved completely, wholly, unselfishly, unceasingly; I've learned to stop criticizing people and their everyday actions; I've learned to continue holding everything in high regards while simultaneously understanding that they don't really matter; I've let go of guilt, shame and self-pity; I've consoled a youth by telling her in no uncertain terms that I've been where she is; I've seen the sun rise and set over water; I've listened to a stranger's melancholic song in the subway at 1 a.m.; I've regained whatever self-confidence had been faltering; I've internalized poetry; I've dug trenches in which to proudly display my next flood of tears; I've touched on cornerstones of truth; I've acknowledged the bedrock of personal experiences and definite truths that I've accumulated... I've done all this and so much more. Is it any wonder why I need something more conventional to keep me stable?

Each of my days is truly a new adventure. And it's uncomfortable, this fluctuating of scenarios and opinions. It's so easy to cling on to a tried belief that may not necessarily be true, or to stick to places or people who only bloster what you aleady know. But this right here. Being thrown directly from one mindset to another. Falling prey to whatever might come my way, and feeling confident that I can tackle it. All this. It's only possible if I have a steady river of study fortifying my soul - and I get it at school.

So don't ask me if I'm done yet with an undergrad or a master's or a PhD degree. Don't assume that you can talk down to me because I don't drop my academic prowess into every other conversation. Don't gauge my life by some preconceived notion of how things should be or how they are - because all of that is only relevant within the realm of You and What You Do. There is a specific and altogether different method to my madness. Make some time, sit down, and talk to me, and you'll find out for yourself. Just be prepared to get uncomfortable.