May[, I] Flower

It's the first day of a new month. I tossed and turned until 5 in the morning. Couldn't sleep. Couldn't get my mind off things. So much has changed. So much is different. And better. And new.

But death comes in 3s and in the past 10 days there have been 5. [<--I don't believe in that per se, but it sounded damn near poetic to be so fucking mathematical.] My godson, SoHo's father, Indiana Poetess's grandmother, my mother's coworker, my former coworker... I've mourned and respected their deaths and celebrated their lives and helped others do the same. Some I loved very much, and some I didn't know enough about, and some I respected, and some I barely knew, and some I never met.

But there was mourning and tomorrow there will be morning, and in between now and then so much will happen.

*****

I can't leave the country... A judge has ordered that I pay my debt before I can leave, and since I don't make enough money to live - really live - and also pay off my debt in a timely manner, I'm stuck in the States. I cried and screamed and was a bitch-reculse for a day and a half, but now I'm taking this development in stride.

I'm going back to Brooklyn College to finish up my dual bachelor's in creative writing and philosophy.

My mom told me that her union will pay for me to go to nursing school. In less than a year, I can be a Licensed Practical Nurse (what my mom is), and in an additional 11 months I can become a Registered Nurse. I'm looking into finding a school/program that I can start this September.

If I find a nursing program to start this September, I'm going to try to juggle it at the same time that I work and attend Brooklyn College.

I really need to feel like I'm moving. I need to gain momentum so I can coast in the future.

In the meantime, I'm settling grades from past semesters at Brooklyn College, writing like a madwoman, looking for more (and/or better-paying) work, and working my tailbone at my current jobs.

The job market is sooooooo dry. It used to be that I could fish for jobs on craigslist like it was a river full of salmon and I was a huge bear straddling the steep bank. 'Tis no longer.

I feel good about my immediate family. Really good. Everyone's doing everything they can to keep us afloat. I have to really, really try to spend more time with them. I feel like we're all working around the clock (my brother's been on the job hunt for several months now, and he's not slowing down), and sadly we don't bond enough. we need to talk more, play mahjong together, play dominoes... Of course, we (READ: I) wouldn't be in such a financial pickle if they'd have had their game on a little earlier, but hey. I can't change the past; I can only learn form it, try to teach from it, and hope that people are on the up-take.

On the subject of my extended family, though... *clears throat and coughs* That's an entire blog onto itself.

I really love my friends.

I confessed to Sura the other day that I've lied to my Best Guy Friend. [I've actually been doing a lot of thinking, and I think he's my "Former Best Guy Friend". He doesn't know/understand/respect/love me as much as he should to deserve the moniker of Best Guy Friend. Plus, I kind of think he's a jerk. And not in the loveable way. More like, in a racist bigot kind of way.] Actually, I lied by omission. We hadn't spoken in about a year and a half, and in our first conversation, he assumed that I'd graduated college. Mind you, I shouldn't have felt self conscious seeing as he took 5 1/2 years to graduate and I'm on schedule after having taken two years off... But anyway, I simply didn't correct him when he made the assumption... I realize that I did this because he's a pompous jerk in a lot of ways, and I was afraid of incurring his loathing wrath. If you saw the way he treats his own mother, you'd understand...

I want to find a job that I like. By that, I mean that I want "the office" to be synonymous with a joyous, productive, challenging and fruitful feeling of accomplishment. One that, might I add, does not make the world a worse place. And one that pays me decently and regularly.

I was sitting in the train, writing, reading, writing, reading, writing... And I got really tired of this input and output of words. Really tired of it. I just wanted to curl up in numbers for a little bit. So I came home and did soduku and logic games and mathematical problems. And it felt so fucking good. I think that part of my brain (the right part, I think?) almost atrophied from lack of use.

On that same trip on the train, I wrote a list of things I want to do:
1) Practice guitar.
2) Practice piano.
3) Really exercise---I mean, really exercise. Get myself into G.I. Jane condition.
4) Clean house more.
5) Spend more time with Military Mother's kids while they're in town.
6) Cook more, and share my cooking with more of my loved ones.
7) FIND A JOB THAT PAYS BETTER THAN MY CURRENT WORK!!!!
8) Continue writing at least 1,000 usable words every day.
9) Fix up all of the drama with my incompletes.
10) Commune more with nature.
11) Take advantage of the fact that I have health insurance---and USE IT.
12) Go to museums as much as possible from now till September.
13) Take dance classes.
14) Limit my alcohol intake. (I've been imbibing like a fish in a Tanqueray sea.)
15) Pay off my debts. To EVERYONE. Credit card companies. Medical bills. Friends. Doctors. The whole shebang.
16) Get a couple excerpts/short stories/essays published...
I'm not really sure what else is on the list, since I don't have my journal in front of me, but suffice it to say, there's a lot that I want to do. And dating/sex ain't really on that list.

I'm not intending to be celibate. If it happens, it happens, and that's fine. I just realized that I spend a lot of time fucking and gabbing to my friends about fucking. I spend a lot of time talking about relationships - mostly the one with Rob, aka Would-Be Romantic - and I'm sick of it. I want to be able to be in a functional, healthy, happy, wholesome, sexy, fun relationship with someone special... And, unfortunately, I have way too much on my plate for It or anything that even remotely resembles It or It's variants. I just want to get back on the highway again. My time on the vista is over.