Dating, Maria-style

Maybe I should talk about Alex, aka post-Rob rebound guy. He's all the good things that Rob's not and all the good things that Rob is, and yet I can't seem to get Rob out of my system. Maybe it's because I still love the jerk, or maybe it's because I still live with him, or maybe it's both. All I know is that Alex says the right things at the right time, and he's real - at least, he's as real as a drug dealer can be - yet I can't wrap my brain around being with him. Not in a long-term way, anyway.

Before I forget and leave everyone scratching their heads, going, "Did she really just say what I think she said?", let me say for the record that I've dated drug dealers before. I've even dated a pimp, though that was after his pimping days, and before I knew of his past. What can I say? I connect to shady and dangerous people, and if you met me in person that would throw you for a loop.

See, the thing is, I'm sweet. Saccharine sweet. I'm an open book - too open, really. I say it how it is and I wear my heart on my sleeve, and, honestly, if you wanted to play me for a fool that wouldn't seem so hard to do. Only, most people play head games for the rush of controlling other people, and it never quite feels like you're controlling me. Even when I'm doing things that'll work out in your favor, even when I'm helping you out - I either have an angle or I really love you. Don't mistake my kindness as weakness. I let blatant offenses roll off my back because I've got your number and I know I can call you out if need be. I let people make themselves look good at my expense because I'm already working the room and you can't even begin to fathom what I'm working on. I play head games with the best of em, and only the people I love best know the real me.

So Alex and I have had a few moments and I feel my walls coming down, but I have a few apprehensions. For one thing, I'm not about to let this shady underbelly of my personality run, full-throttle. I don't like the idea of having to watch my back all the time (I'm way too paranoid for that shit). And the legal repercussions do faze me a bit.

For another thing, I've just ended a three-year relationship and I don't wanna run straight into another one. I know better than to move in with Alex, though the situation would be ideal in a lot of ways, i.e., I wouldn't have to pay rent, the apartment's in the city, Alex would take care of me financially.

I'll admit that Alex runs a good game, and the things that come out of his mouth seem too good to be true; he has a way with words, yet the fact that I've known him since his dorky days makes me believe that some of it must be true.

In a lot of ways, I feel like we're on equal-footing, despite the fact that I'd be unabashedly living off of him. It has to do with how sincere he seems, and his perception of me, and the experiences we've both accumulated since we last hung out.

But none of this matters, really.

I've resolved to move in with my good girlfriend, JC, by the first of November. I'm applying to a few part-time gigs with steady pay. Mei and I will sit down some time this week to discuss what hours/pay I can count on. And the night job is finally picking up (a photog friend agreed to take my pics tonight! I'm so excited!).

In the meantime, Rob and I are being friendly and civil, and all kinds of guys from my past are popping out of the woodwork. Isn't that always the case, though? You resolve to stay single and even contemplate celibacy, and dick gets thrown at you from every direction! Of course!

Maybe I'll satisfy my craving for pussy. It's been a while.