There's the hard way and there's the harder way.

And, for the life of me, I can't figure out why I'd wanna take the harder way. Who am I trying to impress? What lesson am I hoping to learn? What do I think I'm gonna get out of it? If the name of the game is "perseverance", and I play by the same goddamn rules all the fucking time, then why shouldn't I stick with the shorter process, the less daunting options, and the easier outcome? This realization has hit me as I figure out my next step.

Currently, I'm fixing to get back into school while working my ass off at a consulting job that I find boring as all hell. I tell myself that in a year, I'll be a salaried employee with benefits and a staff working under me, but the truth is, I'm doing this because I feel indebted to my boss, Mei. She's like an aunt to me, and that in itself is a problem. I've never been good with the hierarchy of power, nor have I been good at mixing and matching friendly with business. The ironic part of my relationship with Mei is this: she's been trying to ween me off of my old patterns/habits concerning my parents, and in so doing she's reinforced them with her.

I haven't spoken to her about any of this because I feel like that's part of the problem: I shouldn't have to speak to her about all of this. I want a cut-and-dry employee-employer relationship. I mean, yeah, it would be nice if my boss wasn't a douchebag, but do I need them to care about me and want to save me from something big and bad? Nope, not in the least.

So now I'm looking into getting a really boring cubicle job where I'll be another in the masses - and somehow, that suits me better. I'll keep my night job for money and kicks, and in between that and writing and school, I should be pretty busy. I'll be readjusting to single life and getting back in touch with my frilly girlie side, and wow... I just realized that I can't wait for all of this to kick in!