This is why I don't take down posts.

I just spent a couple minutes re-reading a few of my more recent posts and thinking about taking them down. They contradict a lot of what I'm feeling right now, and I don't want people chancing upon them and assuming that they're current feelings.

But doing so would violate the sacred code of journal writing: You just don't tear shit out. You need remnants of the person that you are at this very moment. That's why you write in a journal or blog in the first place. So what if people don't get it? So what if they're too blind-sighted to see past the fact that you harbored ill wishes toward them for two minutes? Isn't it better that everyone know what they're dealing with, and also be aware that life is ever-changing and vacillating and is never the same twice?

Years ago I had a blog where I said some mean things about a woman who is now a very dear friend. She happens to be dating another dear friend of mine, who's an avid reader of my blogs, and it occurred to me the other night that there's a good chance she read those harsh criticisms. I felt bad for having had these thoughts about her, but whether or not she read them, they're in the past. Obviously, we're both past it.

I've mended much of my inner-conflict surrounding Mei and our relationship, and as much as I thoroughly meant it when I said I wanted to use her only as a source of money, it's just not the case anymore. I've passed that short-lived phase and I'm on to a new, more positive, and healthier cycle.

The same goes with the riffs I felt with Rob's family. A lot of it, I realize, stems from my own paranoia and phobias. I've done things (like get my own refrigerator) to curb my lack-of-boundaries issue. I've also learned to be less dependent on them for basic things like food and laundry detergent. I'm making money now, and it's easier for everyone involved that I deal with the situation in this way.

Yeah, things change. Life gets harder, life gets easier. We learn and we roll with the punches and we lie there and take it in the ass. But when it comes to art, when it comes to writing, when it comes to my writing - well, you have to take everything with a bouquet of forget-me-nots. You have to keep in mind who and what you're dealing with. And you have to adjust.

Believe it or not, your way isn't the only way to see things. And at some particular moment, in some significant way, someone you care about has disagreed with you or thought ill of you or realized something about you that made them more aware. It doesn't make them better or worse, and it sure as hell doesn't make you better or worse. It just makes the speaker more articulate for airing their thoughts. And, anyway, as Jay-Z said: "What you about to witness is my thoughts/Just my thoughts man - right or wrong/Just what I was feeling at the time."