AAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
How is it possible to be so fucking poor?! *laughing hysterically* I mean, seriously, I had a six-figure payday two years ago and now I have twenty bucks in my name.... HOW IS THAT FUCKING POSSIBLE?!?!?!?!
AAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
*breathing deeply*
Okay... Okay... I get it. It happens. You don't know how to invest money. You feel obligated to give your family things that'll make them happy. You pay a shitload of debt off. And inevitably, this happens. I get it. I really do. Especially since this "you" is "me" and I'm feeling the brunt of all this right at this very moment.
I get it. I really do.
But WOW.
The highs and the lows? Yeah, I've got em.
Stories? In spades.
Experience and introspection? No doubt.
But, inevitably, when I'm in the midst of going through all that, it still unnerves me. It still shocks me. It still makes me feel something other than stable and static.
And I've gotta admit, I love it.
Not the drama, per se. But that I know how to deal with the drama, and it still affects me.
What I fear more than problems is not being affected by problems. I fear being cold, isolated, unfeeling. I fear not flinching when I hear about rape. Not crying when someone's used me. Not laughing when someone says/does something amusing - even if it's not exactly something I'd say/do myself.
If I was isolated or cold or unfeeling, I wouldn't be in a position to hear about rape, or get used by someone, or hear/see something I might consider crude or unclassy or a mere deflection of judgment. I wouldn't be in a place to consider and learn and feel. I wouldn't know any of the good stuff.
And that's exactly what I don't want.
How is it possible to be so fucking poor?! *laughing hysterically* I mean, seriously, I had a six-figure payday two years ago and now I have twenty bucks in my name.... HOW IS THAT FUCKING POSSIBLE?!?!?!?!
AAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
*breathing deeply*
Okay... Okay... I get it. It happens. You don't know how to invest money. You feel obligated to give your family things that'll make them happy. You pay a shitload of debt off. And inevitably, this happens. I get it. I really do. Especially since this "you" is "me" and I'm feeling the brunt of all this right at this very moment.
I get it. I really do.
But WOW.
The highs and the lows? Yeah, I've got em.
Stories? In spades.
Experience and introspection? No doubt.
But, inevitably, when I'm in the midst of going through all that, it still unnerves me. It still shocks me. It still makes me feel something other than stable and static.
And I've gotta admit, I love it.
Not the drama, per se. But that I know how to deal with the drama, and it still affects me.
What I fear more than problems is not being affected by problems. I fear being cold, isolated, unfeeling. I fear not flinching when I hear about rape. Not crying when someone's used me. Not laughing when someone says/does something amusing - even if it's not exactly something I'd say/do myself.
If I was isolated or cold or unfeeling, I wouldn't be in a position to hear about rape, or get used by someone, or hear/see something I might consider crude or unclassy or a mere deflection of judgment. I wouldn't be in a place to consider and learn and feel. I wouldn't know any of the good stuff.
And that's exactly what I don't want.
*****
I spoke to Will-to-my-Grace (heretofore known simply as "Will") about a week ago on the phone, and I confessed to him that I like drama, and that I think this facet of my personality makes me like teaching: My abilities to see the light at the end of the tunnel - almost any tunnel - and weave a path toward the light, make me unafraid of problems. I don't shy away from dispensing advice when called upon to do so, and this makes me uniquely suited to teach at-risk youths.
When I employ these gifts at work, I feel like it's proof that I'm a good person. But more than that, I feel like it's proof that I'm not living in vain. Right there in front of me, every day, are signs that I'm a worthwhile individual, trying my best to make other peoples' lives better.
No matter how zen I seem, I will always admit that these verifications of virtue are necessary components to my day-to-day ritual. They fill me up with more pride than any validation brought about by men hollering at me in the street, dudes pushing up on me in clubs, and compliments about my looks. And no matter what kind of crap people might throw at me, this keeps me going.
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