Twenty points to whomever can guess off the top of their head where the title comes from.
The closest thing to a religion that I've ever had was knowing how to read people in order to get what I want. If that makes me a con artist, then I wear the moniker proudly. At least I was an honest con artist, only following that code before I was wise enough to question it.
Ignorance keeps people stupid - but honest, too.
Like everyone else does, I went through the phases: angst, faux-maturity, skepticim, God-complex, hippie-dom, et al.... I started out investing all of myself into whatever belief accurately described my actions, but started realizing how difficult it was to leave off on one belief and start another. Doing so was like packing all of my possessions in one truck, carefully placing them in neat boxes and rows, and then abandoning that truck for one that seemed to depict me more accurately. I had to spend more time and energy and patience in packing up my life into something else.
So finally I stopped packing up so neatly and carefully everything that encapsulated me, and there were no true delineations or characterizations or categorizations to describe me. I stopped investing in these trucks, which were meant to symbolize simply something I had become.
There was a freedom in not having a box in which to fit my self. But also, there was a fear. If I stood by nothing, did that mean I stood for nothing?
This past week confronted me with many characters from my past, and I realized more the permanent deviations between myself and other people. I made more concrete the boundaries that separate "my people" from "other people". And I made decisions as to what I will deal with and what I won't deal with, how I will deal with things that I don't like, and what I am willig to do to not have to deal with things I don't like.
Finally, my load had dwindled until it fit on my back, and I could take any truck I pleased to carry me around. I was set on hitchhiking my way to wherever I felt like going, but then I started writing and reading and informing myself and others of who I am and what I'm about - and I came across a way of life that was in me all along, I just didn't know what to call it.
I've done a lot of fucked up things in my past, and I've wronged a lot of people, and I've loved a lot of people the wrong way, and I've walked away from people who needed me. I think, in order to move on to the next step, I should write letters to 25 people. Sure, it's an arbitrary number, but it sounds right. Like the protagonist on "My Name is Earl" or "Billy Madison", I've decided to apologize for the strangeness and pain and drama that I've caused - and if I'm really honest with myself, I'm sure there are 25 people that I need to clear something up with.
Only afterward can I really know where I'm at and where I'm going. Only afterward can I really know who I can trust and why I should trust them.
So if I ask you for your address and/or ask you to help me hunt down someone else, don't be surprised...
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5 comments:
I heard someone tell me before that one who does not look into the past has no future at all. Or something like that.
I'm not really sure how 25 letters to people in your past could affect what you are now, but all I know is that I'm sure that they can't all be forgiving. And if you are able to keep progressing unchanged by whatever their reaction is, then what purpose do the letters serve? I would assume something more to write about, but otherwise I don't see the necessity of it.
Check out the 12 Steps (Alcoholics Anonymous. I believe Step 4 is what you are doing now. Good luck in making amends to those that you have wronged!
Pugs - "if you are able to keep progressing unchanged by whatever their reaction is, then what purpose do the letters serve?"
I've been writing those letters and feeling a little bit of what you're talking about. There are lots of people who won't be forgiving, and they will most likely go on having ill will toward me. And if that's the case, I'll go on just as I would without having sent out the letters in the first place.
But there's something else I'm looking for in writing these letters. It's a way of figuring myself out, figuring out who I was when I made all those decisions, and why I did them, and how I can prevent myself from making the same mistakes. Most of all, I live in perpetual fear of running into someone that I have a dark past with; I dread the awkwardness, the retribution, the vengeance. I know that if someone were to try something to hurt me, I'm prepared. But I don't know who to expect negative feelings from, I don't know just how prepared I should be.
I guess I just need closure. I need to be able to claim all of my past actions as my own, instead of slinking away from my mistakes (which is what I feel like I'm doing). And I need to know who to watch out for.
Does that make sense? Cuz I don't wanna make it seem like I'm simply using pain as fodder for writing...
Spider - Thanks for the suggestion and kind words. I'll definitely look into the 12 steps. Maybe it'll give me insight into what to expect out of this...
"It's a way of figuring myself out, figuring out who I was when I made all those decisions, and why I did them, and how I can prevent myself from making the same mistakes."
Figure yourself out? They way I see it, you already have, with your level of confidence and wisdom. Those decisions you made are in the past, and the past is a time where you were most likely less wiser. No, I believe this will not prevent you from making the same mistakes, because that is a matter of your own strength of will, not the resolution of past conflict.
"Most of all, I live in perpetual fear of running into someone that I have a dark past with; I dread the awkwardness, the retribution, the vengeance. I know that if someone were to try something to hurt me, I'm prepared. But I don't know who to expect negative feelings from, I don't know just how prepared I should be."
As a person who lived with such threat, I'll not give you my personal way of dealing with that. No offense, but I sense a bit of selfishness in this letter-sending thing. It seems that your fear of retribution is more important than the remorse of wronging someone, and if that is so, then you are better off arming yourself to the teeth than sending insincere words of apology. In my opinion, I would rather have happen that the time comes that you meet one of these people by chance, show them your humility and apologize and offer to make (reasonable) amends. Once that happens, you can begin to heal and feel safer as it is now the other person's turn to accept the apology and grant you the forgiveness you seek. If you do not get that forgiveness, just move on with your life and vow never do the same thing to someone and then you forgive yourself.
"I guess I just need closure. I need to be able to claim all of my past actions as my own, instead of slinking away from my mistakes (which is what I feel like I'm doing). And I need to know who to watch out for."
You can't find closure if has to come from someone who isn't willing to give it. Refer to top posts.
Pugs - I'm not trying to guise my letter-writing as some way to earn sainthood or an attempt to paint myself in a better light. And I'm not looking for closure from anyone in particular - but from the act of letter-writing in itself.
I figure, people are irrevocably altered by their experiences, and each particular experience has an effect, i.e., the first time I drew blood-->fear of my own strength, etc. Some people just instinctively know what they need to go through in order to become the kind of person they want to be. I'm one of those people.
I know what lessons I need to be taught and what experiences will mold me into the kind of person I'd like to become. And I want to be changed in a way that only this particular act can achieve.
I used to be the kind of person who never admitted she was wrong and never took responsibility for her actions (good or bad). For this reason, peoples' opinions of me have always been skewed. In a lot of ways, I'm still feeling the effects of my past and I'm slowly shedding that skin by being more transparent. Writing these letters is a HUGE step.
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